13/12: Mariah vs. Jennifer Hudson, battle of the "O Holy Nights"

Well...first off, Mariah's "O Holy Night" is the best thing ever. Also, unfortunately, the video is filmed in an obviously poor black church in the South, which seems patronizing if not straight-up pandering. BUT. The church is filled with adorable kids AND it is filled with candles, AND Randy Jackson is playing bass. You can tell that the kids are super excited to be in the crowd, Mariah IS wearing an amazing red velveteen dress (sexiest Ms. Claus ever), so once she starts to sing: ALL IS FORGIVEN. When she sings: "the weary world rejoices," I think, "yes, yes, I am weary too!" The choir is amazing; I can't get enough of the church-style organ. Mariah is going to make a believer out of me! At 2:34, I know that I know that I know that this song isn't not about Christianity; it's about the pain--and the beauty--of being human! "Fall on your knees," there IS some sort of holiness that speaks to all beings, through all things!! By three minutes into the song, I srsly believe in angels. By 3:07, I'm raising my fist into the air. Every Christmas Eve for the last 8 years, my mom and I watch this video together. Usually one of us cries; most often we both cry. How terrible humbling and beautiful it is to be human!!

J. Hudson's version is in a candle-lit church too. In some ways, she doesn't have the panache of  Mariah Carey. In others, however, she is classier. She is, in dress and manor alone, clearly more humble. Then at 2:51-2:55, I know she means business, in all that ways that power singers do.  At 3:25, she doesn't have to ask me to fall on my knees, I just do. At 3:33. I can't even. Yes. Love her and everything she is about.  At 4:0-4:10; you can be singing about the birth of our Lord Satan, it doesn't matter;  i'll believe whatever your beautiful voice tells me to believe in.



https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BEJmP8T07JU

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_DbZWRSDdIw

14: "I wish it was Christmas Today" SNL (Jimmy Fallon, Horatio Sanz, Tracy Morgan, and Chris Kattan)

I do love Jimmy Fallon, but Horatio Sanz, to me, was always the funnier on. ALWAYS. I remember the first time I saw this, the night it aired--Christmas 2001; I was studying comedy at the time (at the Groundlings) and this video helped me realize that comedy doesn't have to be funny. It can be cute. In fact, it should be cute. Sanz, where did you go? I was wrong to have a crush on Fallon. You are obviously the cuter one. OBVIOUSLY. Sanz, you would be a great Ed McMahon to Jimmy Fallon's Jonny Carson. Come back to TV Land, we need you! But OMG this song is so cute and it's totes the best, from Kattan's cute little head and booty rocks to Tracy Morgans eccentric dancing. Serious perfection. Serious...perfection.


http://www.nbc.com/saturday-night-live/video/holiday-treat-for-all/n11532

15: Dwight jamming out to "Carol of the Bells"

I've always tried to convince people of the idiotic rock genius that is "Carol of the Bells." Alas, no one believes me...until they see Dwight from the air-guitaring to it. When this stupid song comes on the radio, I can't help but turn it up. A la Maya Rudolf, I get the serious look on my face, my nostrils start to flare a bit, my hear starts to bob. Oh yeah, this song is the shizzly-wizzly of the dizzly-dizzly. Of course I'm 60% ironic about all of this, but the other 40% of my emotions lie somewhere between love, hate, and confusion. Which seems, oddly, just like life...an emotion that is hard for musicians to capture, save for the Trans Siberian Orchestra.  

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MIOeYPvFsSs

16: David Bowie and Bing Crosby's Little Drummer Boy and Peace on Earth

I once went to a yoga class right before Christmas where the instructor played this on repeat during savasana. Not going to lie, it made me laugh. Out loud. Let me just say that these are the last two people I would expect to hear a Christmas duet from. And can I also just say that these are the last two songs I would think to put together, for these two unexpected singers to harmonize. I'm not a producer, or even a musician, so I basically have no idea what I'm talking about. What I do know is that the mere idea of these two singing a duet together excites me. On the one hand, it's kind of a crap performance. On the other, when Bowie goes off around 2:13, my heart kind of melts. He's all taking it seriously, while Crosby, at least according to the look on his face is all, I'm just doing this for fancy gin money.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ADbJLo4x-tk

17: Dean Martin's drunken version of "Rudolf the Red-nosed Reindeer"

Please listen to this song immediately. Before the first 30 seconds  a tanked-on-5-Martinis Dean Martin refers to Rudolf as "Rudy." Then, around 2:13-2:15, he starts to sing in a German accent, with some German vocabulary words ("guide mine sleigh tonight"). I picture Dean Martin: a drink in one hand, snapping the other, a perpetual wink of the right eye, raising his eyebrows and his shoulders to the the beat. This song is pretty much as smooth as is gets.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sPCvyJod0WM

18/17/16:1 The 1980's

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E8gmARGvPlI

I very much want to hate Wham's "Last Christmas." But I can't. Is it because as awful as everything is on this video, from the synth to the fashion, it's unavoidably and ironically hip? Is it because even though no matter what weird sex scandals George Michael is involved in, I still find his androgyny mildly alluring? He did sing "Father Figure," after all. Maybe it's because of the quaint references (via overt propaganda) to the simplicity of happiness found in consumerism that the 80s Reagan era admin sold that made this fantasy so easy to buy. As it I watch the video, though, it becomes clear: I like this song because it's about the good old days, you remember, when we could all afford to go on a week-long ski vacation in the Colorado slopes, ditch our family for 10 of our closest couple friends, have an orgy without the probable risk of contracting the HIV virus.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hMhMekfIyos

The 1980s did not fare well for Paul McCartney, especially and specifically in regards to this Christmas song. This is the obvious point in which McCartney totally lost touch with all reality. I mean, take a listen if you've never heard it. But beware, if you are a Beatles fan: this song WILL ruin you for life. And if Paul has been your "favorite Beatle" until now, be prepared to embrace John...or even George.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Vm9_mXmtKo

Thank God for the Cocteau Twins. While the song is still clearly 80s, it's still the heavenly, dreamy, divinely glorious Cocteau Twins. Thank GOD.

19: Charles Brown's "Please Come Home For Christmas"

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vxpgWkqlUvk&list=PLWJpBmR-DSWEBZOHGvqjZEZF8ujzHIbNI&index=4

I once dated a guy who said that Leonard Cohen songs reminded him of his Christmas memories. Be they with his ex-wife and child or with his nudist family in Canada, Roy's Christmas memories were always depressing.  Charles Brown's "Please Come Home for Christmas" is my favorite depressed Christmas song. As stressful as they are, we all secretly love the holidays. But there is also this sadness that inevitably takes over; for me, it's around mid-afternoon or dusk on Christmas day. Maybe it's the cold nostalgia for a family member that has passed, a divorce, a miscarriage, or the new year reminding us of the march towards death...Whatever it is, no matter how many fuzzy feelings the anticipation for Christmas bring, I can no longer be fooled by consumerism. I want a lasting, cozy and snuggly relationship, but I'm cynical, and I know that those don't really pan out. While the song feigns hopefulness, because of the rawness in it's emotional honesty, this song reminds really only reminds me that the older I get, the sadder Christmas is, and that we are all going to die.